tonight I am pins and needles and a fuzziness and an itch I just can’t scratch. tonight I can’t numb myself to sleep. where do these sensations come from? why do they seek refuge in my body? tonight i am so far gone into the swell of anxiety that i cant pinpoint its cause. i cant recall the last time i was so restless. i scratch all over and the itch dances across my skin. i chase it so fruitlessly.
my body has been a crumbling edifice for years now. it falls apart so intermittently yet it persists in its quest to break itself apart and break me apart in the process. it tricks me, lulls me into a false stability before cracking open and disintegrating. we are not one, my body and i.
ive tried to resist the mind body duality with no avail. my mind is myself and my body is my long time enemy. my body is my true self, limited by the enemy that is my mind. ive tried to draw up a peace treaty, but you let in every infection and keep out every hint of intimacy that ive tried to receive as my guest. this war has gone on for far too long. im on the losing side.
i have tried to love you but everytime i look into the mirror you’re out to get me. youre so full of bumps and crevices that i cant decide if i want anymore, or if i ever even wanted them. god, please let me flatten this lump of clay. cant i remix this batch?
i will watch my hips shrink and grow in the mirror. add another thing to the grocery list of how my body constantly fails me. i will push my breasts up and down and together and back into my bones, ungrateful for the bargaining chips that i waited for so eagerly to grow. i will try to decipher if i like how any of the options look. every body part is a potential asset that i waste. i try to make it go away. but am i finally achieving the liberation of knowing that i can be me, or the curse of wanting yet another impossible body? what is a genderless body, if not my body as it is?
